just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize