Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
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