my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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