My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
