I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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