can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
