I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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