All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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