sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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