nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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