I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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