No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
