I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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