Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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