This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
