There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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