That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
