First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
