R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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