I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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