yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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