Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
