I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
