you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
It was like giving head to a cactus.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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