Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize