Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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