How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
