he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
