I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
