im six kinds of drunk right now
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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