maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
