The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
