Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
