Will you blow on my dice?
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I have already put on my inside pants.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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