I wanna bring you to show and tell
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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