Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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