Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
