Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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