I wish I could punch you in the face.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
