Your face is a jimmy john
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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