I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I will be naked everywhere
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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