You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
