when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
