We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Enjoy the penises
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
