So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
