That's when you crack a 10am beer
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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