just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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