I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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