Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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