can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize