Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
