Don't make out with my wife yet
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize