You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
