Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm like, not good at living.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
