pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
