It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
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