Swine flu is the new snow day.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
