I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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