This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
