the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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