Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
